Go 4th 🇺🇸

Childlike as it is, I'd been looking forward to the 4th -- not just for the fireworks and the hot dogs and the red, white and blue -- but because the lovely man was coming to stay and it would have been the first time we have seen each other since March. I was quite honestly giddy about it. The English aren't supposed to get too excited about anything, but I was hopping from foot to foot with a Cheshire Cat grin on my face.

As relationships go, it's been awfully hard. Stopping and starting and complicated not only by time and space and distance but by Mercury and emotions and all kinds of unknown forces. We know each other better by phone and email than in person. Everything is upside down. Somehow it felt worth getting invested. He is a special man. Kind and bright and childlike and inquisitive. Brilliant. A dog lover. And he makes me laugh.

The 4th is just around the corner and plans had been made, new bikinis ordered, we've spring cleaned the house, organized dinner parties and beach trips and hikes, got tickets for the Hollywood Bowl. I've hardly slept, like a child before her birthday.

I found out yesterday he is not coming. Something to do with work. (But it could have as easily been "the dog ate my homework".)

And there goes the LDR. Obviously you can't be someone's girlfriend if you can't see each other. It just doesn't work that way.

I am trying to be resolute, circumspect, thoughtful. My ex says "you are lovely; this isn't about you." I am trying to be mad not sad. But here's the truth: I feel like someone cancelled Christmas. It feels horrible, actually. I am really quite miserable about it.

So. I am going to take up running. I really don't know what else to do to assuage the pain.

Yes. There are other fish in the sea. I am just not a very adept fisherman.

And note to self: don't date someone unreliable again, charming and sweet and wonderful as they may be. It only leads to heartache.