Questions for a Potential Suitor

Yes, it's your favorite correspondent reporting from the world of online dating, and here I am on the front line, metal helmet rammed on tight...

I've realized that the most sensible approach to online dating is the pragmatic approach. There are the texts, the emails, the chats, the coffees, more chatting, the drinks, the dinners. But in the end, what do we want? To love and be loved, right? And in the end, you just want to find out if you're comfortable enough with someone to curl up next to them and feel warm and kittenish. Am I right, ladies? You know that feeling, when you trust someone and you feel really good just being close to them and curled up and chatting in the dark about everything and nothing...isn't that what we all crave as humans, that connection?

So really addressing the elephant in the room is the way to go. Americans are far, far more pragmatic than the English. I tend towards being polite, making dull small talk, but really, I have some big questions that need to be answered before I will consider going out with you. And they include, but are not limited to these:

1) Why are you here? If it's for another notch on your belt I'm not your girl.
2) Why did your last relationship end, and was it because you punched her?
3) Have you ever spent time in jail?
4) Do you like dogs? (Actually this should be number one. Embarrassingly, Thistle was a complete flirt with a man I was on a date with, cozying up to him and being a complete strumpet...)
5) Can you cook? Do you like food? Can we talk about it incessantly?
6) Are you happy to be in nature? (Please say you are.)
7) Do you read books and can you use a couple of vocabulary words I don't know just to make me swoon?
8) Are you happy with someone who asks too many questions, often gets the wrong end of the stick, and has been a bit damaged lately?
9) Do you know which knife to use? Can you fish? Have you ever killed an animal for food or because it was in distress? Are you empathetic with small children or people who can do nothing for you? Are you kind, sir?

You see, I'm learning :)