It's 5:55am and I've been up since three, so long in fact that it really isn't worth going back to sleep. I am gripped by excitement in the middle of the night -- my own stupid fault for keeping my laptop next to my bed -- and I can't stop my search. Somehow, finding someone who has found nirvana is akin to finding nirvana oneself, especially in the middle of the night, teeth-grinding mode one finds oneself. The Jill Taylor video is so uplifting and extraordinary that I became irritated that the NY Times even dared ask the question "is she really enlightened or has she just gone mad?" I suppose I'm not content with believing her truth myself; I'm always trying to find some way to persuade everyone else of it (even in the email I sent to J, I had to point out that she was a neuroscientist first, because that legitimizes her in the same way that the fact that Dr Weiss trained at Yale makes his case stronger - silly, isn't it?)
Tolle's idea is very similar to this -- if we can switch off the ego (that is, the left brain) we will become one with the beautiful energy of the universe. But I'm a bit like the child standing on the rock above the blue ocean, just a little too scared to jump in, wanting my brother to go first, or really wanting to jump but just a little nervous that I will plunge to deep and my foot will touch an unknown sea monster or that a jellyfish will swim into my path just as I make the leap.
I think I need a cup of tea.
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