Hello from a Saturday night at home with the Spotteds, Thistle, a glass of Italian beer and One Plus One, by JoJo Moyes. It's been an odd day of reflection, too hot to do much, so hot in fact that Jelly almost colicked and had a sore tummy all morning (telling signs: trying to roll and standing awkwardly in odd positions) and so reading was the go-to. It's been a day of pause, of thinking, of realizing that Karma exists in the world, of realizing you have to pay your dues, and that if you've behaved badly towards someone, the pendulum will swing back and and hit you, full on, giving you a black eye. It's been a day of not being in control, of not being able to use charm to win someone over, of the dawning sensation that for the time being I've been beat. And that it's my fault. It's a day (and this isn't so unpleasant) of taking stock, appreciating the good things that I'm surrounded by, and realizing fully, for the first time ever, what one misses when it's gone, all because you didn't trust enough in the bounty of the Universe. You didn't trust enough in goodness and kindess. And so, I'll take it, I'll take the licks, the punches, all of it, because I think it's worth it. And like Jon Snow, nobody knows nothing (but you). No-one can make decisions for you, or tell you who's good for you, or who isn't, or try to tell you why you shouldn't love someone. It's there. It exists. I'll get through it. But there will be no more drama. Not in this lifetime. That's why it's call exquisite pain.
My friend Reza, who is wise, horribly wise, wise even as we were at the Bowl watching Yo-Yo Ma and saying brilliant things to each other like "Woah." Reza says that the reason to be alive is so that you can feel the pain. That's what living is. It's being in it, and bearing it, and staying with it, and knowing that without it, there won't be joy. Or, as Sophie Calle would say, the worse the break-up, the greater the art.
I've royally messed this one up. I'm sure I'll learn from it. I'm sure that there is plan for everything and that destiny has something up her sleeve for me, but he was a particularly good and kind man and I fumbled it like a rookie ball player. Butter fingers all round.
Also, I was zapped with a massive electric shock this morning. I'm hoping it's made me saner :-)