Sunday, April 26, 2015

Actually, no, this isn't ok

Actually, no, this isn't okay. I have thought about this in all kinds of different ways and from a thousand angles but I have decided that it absolutely not okay to be iced out, especially by someone who professed to love you. It is not kind. And it lacks empathy. 

Let me tell you why. 

When I was 12 I was put into Coventry for 2 days. Maybe 3. All I know that every single girl in my class was not just not talking to me but ignored me, didn't look at me, for such a long time that I was utterly traumatized. I had no one to tell. I didn't want to worry my mother. We didn't have pastoral care (it was that kind of boarding school) so I sucked it up. My crime? Carrying the bag of the English teacher. My classmates taunted me and made up a song to Cliff Richard's "Devil Woman" and sang it at me for two whole days. It was quite simply horrible. 

It's been nearly 3 months since I broke up with the man in London -- the one I told you was brilliant and sweet and kind. I have discovered that kindness isn't one of his virtues. Apparently I was wrong. He has blocked me. BLOCKED me. On email, phone, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook.   Yes. I am serious. I have been blocked. Like a criminal. It's so so hard to get my head around. Originally I thought I deserved it. Then I thought he was protecting himself and actually he was just so in love with me that he needed to take care of himself. But I have discovered that it is just to hurt me. That is all. 

I don't know how this happened or why. But I do now know why I care. Because suddenly I am 12 again. And Cliff Richard is blaring out across the common room at my hideous Victorian boarding school. And I have no one to talk to. 

Yup. It sucks. 

My mother, with whom I have stayed for the weekend, has a much less generous point of view. She is so furious that i fear she might smack him on the nose with a saucepan if she sees him. 

Thank you for letting me share. 



juxta said...

Im so sorry you are feeling this pain from men. You love hard it seems. Forget about him and move on, block him. Im sorry I know how people can hurt. Just move on. We don't know the full story only your side but from that we know you are hurt, just move on.

TeresaA said...

while it's not helpful at all you are lucky to have escaped this man. Life with a person who is not kind would be awful

LPC said...

Wow. That's infantile.

Janelle said...

bastard. i had a lover once,(also English, mind you) a very long time ago. he did precisely that. we worked at the same place which made it double tricky. he would act as if i wasn't in the room, as if i was invisible. he never returned an email, a letter, blocked me off all social media...nothing. to him, i had died. i no longer existed. he still doesn't communicate with me all these years later, no matter that my best friend (his sister) is my son's godmother and i am her daughter's...bloody FAMILY like...!? and all these years later...still absolutely flummaxed!? i cant be that evil and horrible can i? 20 years later?? men? bah and humbug. unfathomable. YOU ABSOLUTELY ROCK and that English lover boy made a big mistake in losing you. x janelle

Unknown said...

This is horrible. Horrible and manipulative. Something similar (I was going to write 'eerily similar' but I think it occurs all too often) happened to me three years ago almost to the day with someone I thought was a close friend. Someone I'd shared mutual support, laughter and tears with. Someone I'd 'clicked' with. Over Easter, he just disappeared into the ether. Deleted all and any means I had to communicate with him. (I felt like a stalker; I'm not a stalker.) Anyway, long story short, I got the message. It didn't stop me waking up in the middle of the night for months, clenching my stomach/and or crying.
Just know it's not about you. It's him. There's something he can't deal with so he's run away. As one of the above commenters said, his behaviour is infantile. It also indicates mental instability. I know it hurts like fuck, but you are well rid, my dear. Imogene xxx

Debo said...

So sorry. that really sucks for you. I have found that I need to 'really know' and that, given time and the right circumstances, after a few 'episodes like you describe, I finally am able to 'see'. You thought he had loving attributes, like kindness, but I fear that was just your generous goodness being reflected off him...he could see that in you for sure. The English spring looks lovely. Snow mostly gone here and the peepers are finally awake in the forest, and so now are you. Best, xxdeborah

Marla said...

No, it's not ok, and it's not normal either. Normal people don't behave like this. It DOES point to mental instability, and it is a red flag. You've already seen this type of behavior, and believe me, there is more. I was in a relationship with someone like this, and as any normal person would think (and as the other person manipulates you to think), I started thinking there was something wrong with ME. Once you are down that path (because you want the good bits), you are toast and it ends very badly. You are good to be out, since this crap is only the tip of the iceberg. Don't let this bother you at all, laugh it off and be happy you were saved from something much worse than heartbreak that will fade in time.

sianey said...

i love your mother..hand me the saucepan..

Miss Whistle said...

So grateful for all this amazing feedback and support. I read some of it to mother as she drove me to the airport. I've just arrived home off the plane from Heathrow, and feeling a little zonked, but wanted to include this thought, written on the plane. More tomorrow:
At first, I felt as if I deserved the silent treatment. There are aspects of my behavior that are stalker-like, I suppose, my tenacity, for example. I don’t want him to win. That’s the crux of it. I don’t want to be defeated by this man. Now, I do know that this is an odd way to look at it. If I were filled with compassion and empathy and I put my ego aside, I would say, look, this is a flawed person, a damaged man, someone who is suffering and he is doing this because he needs to do so to get away, that my impact on him was so strong, that my fingers reached so deep inside his soul, that his only recourse, his only way of escape is to pretend that I am dead. I wish I could be that person. But this is like a battle to the death for me. By letting him win, he has destroyed me. If he is the victor, then my soul has been diminished, and I don’t want that to happen. I can’t let that happen.

Love, MissW x

Sue said...

I'm so sorry for your pain. If you were my daughter I'd feel as your mom does. I might also try to help you see that sadly, it's a very one-sided struggle. He's not hurting at all by not hearing from you. I do understand wanting closure and to have your say. You've probably thought of this, but you could write him a letter. Say all the things you'd want him to hear. Be as honest as you like. Write the letter, put it in an envelope then burn it. I did something much like this when I divorced my first husband 20 years ago and it felt great. xox

Caroline, No. said...

I say, go with 'living well is the best revenge.' This man wasn't worth it. Enjoy that wonderful LA sunshine and open yourself up to new possibilities. xx

Christina said...

I wonder whether this men is in fact neither horrible nor unkind, but rather clinically incapable of genuine closeness to another human being, let alone of a true intimate communion.
Charm and charisma may well hide seamlessly and elegantly this serious inability that precludes him from experiencing some of the most precious and grounding sensations man is ever given to experience on this hearth.
At times I found comfort in the many simple words of Kim McMillen like:
"When I loved myself enough
The parts of me long-ignored, the orphans of my soul, quit vying for attention. That was the beginning of inner peace. Then I began seeing clearly". Love to you, Christina xx

Susan said...

Hope that posting a link is allowed - I recommend listening to one slice of perspective on the giant pizza of heartbreak.

Here's another: the opening lines from John O'Donohue's Book of Blessings and "For the Breakup of a Relationship":
"Now you endeavor
To gather yourself
And withdraw in slow
Animal woundedness
From love turned sour and ungentle ..."

If you aren't familiar with O'Donohue's work, I can't overstate the power of this dearly departed soul's wise heart and pure soul.

Some excerpted lines from David Whyte's "House of Belonging" that I leaned on in dark days; perhaps you'll find some comfort as well.


"This is the bright home
in which I live,
this is where
I ask
my friends
to come,
this is where I want
to love all the things
it has taken me so long
to learn to love.

This is the temple
of my adult aloneness
and I belong
to that aloneness
as I belong to my life.

There is no house
like the house of belonging."

juxta said...

So, you did not like hearing that truth then or for others to hear. We know you are trying so hard with love, we admire that and think you are so great with it.