Wednesday, March 27, 2019

Mourning

I am not sure whether one is supposed to mourn a house. A friend, maybe. But I am mourning both. I have found myself this morning with a profound sense of loss, something I am not really familiar with. The days have been longer, brighter, sunnier. Spring is truly here and with it all the headiness of shedding the cold and dark. So I really have no reason to feel so heavy hearted. I have lost two things that were important to me, not to death, and I am thinking of Elizabeth Bishop. 

Los Angeles is my home. I can not deny the enchantment I feel. I am in its grip. Our house will be sold and with it my anchor. There is a finality to that. The fact that the man who is buying the house is someone I know, someone completely lovely, a man with the heart of a poet, does not help. Or perhaps it does a little. 

The friend is different. Although I use that word carefully now. I wonder how far does a friendship go when an infraction cannot be forgiven. I say that not as a judgement but an observation. I screwed up royally but not intentionally. I apologized profusely over a year.  I have attempted to be present and to make reparations. I am sad.  There is nothing else that can be done. 

I want to be the "fuck you" person but I am not. I want to say it loudly and mean it. But I don't. I am sad and I am mourning the end of a long, long friendship. I will get over it, of course. There is so much to celebrate and so much to be grateful for. But today, on the first gray day in a week, I feel small and alone and not the roaring Leo tiger I am supposed to be. 




 

4 comments:

LPC said...

At the end of the day we just can't love people who aren't willing to love us back. I'm sorry you are sad.

Bozena Wojtaszek said...

When we screw something up in relations we have to respect that we are not the one who sets up rules for forgiveness :( But time works for us - maybe not today, maybe some years have to pass until we get another chance to fix it. Life loves to play with us and as long as we are alive anything may happen :)

tedsmum said...

A house is an animate thing made of our intentions and memories, an enveloping warm mother to retreat into, curl up and replenish our spirits and when we move on those rooms and arrangements linger in our dreams...
It is so hurtful when we are refused friendship or forgiveness but we learn from it and become more generous ourselves. Sleep easy tonight x

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