Wednesday, January 24, 2018


As it's the middle of the night, I am not at my laptop, I am typing with my thumbs on my phone. I contemplated making a cup of tea and sitting down at the kitchen table, but 4.21am felt as if it were hour too early for that. The house is small and drafty with thin wooden doors with great gaps at the top and bottom, so I didn't want to wake Charlie. Tea does sound good, however. The four o'clock hour always tempts me, with its quiet and clarity.

This is what has happened: I have hurt one of my good friends. I will say it clearly because I have been carrying it now for close to two weeks and I do not know where to put it. I have selfishly, albeit unwittingly, hurt one of my lovely friends, one of the kindest people you could ever hope to meet, and she is not speaking to me, nor responding to emails. I am devastated. And I am sorry. And I feel like the most horrible and selfish person on the planet. It's as if the the fabric of my life, all the thin threads that are woven together to create a safe, warm blanket, are unraveling. I do not say that to be dramatic. I say it because when something is a constant, a constant constant, one takes it for granted, and this event has caused the little pieces of cotton to start to fray.

This is my fault. I offer no excuse. I will not go into details but take it from me that I was thoughtless and boneheaded and excluded her from something and she is hurt. There was no reason for it.  No excuse. It is purely dumb. I completely understand her reaction and why she would be upset with me. But to live through the consequences, that's hard. Perhaps that what karma is: behave in this way and you will directly suffer the consequences. You will feel the impact of it with equal force.

One of the things it has done is to help me question all my friendships, all my relationships, and to ask myself if I have been the best friend I can be. I always lean on my friends and expect a lot from them — I treasure them — but have I been a good friend in return? I am not sure that I have. I have been so wrapped up in moving here and sorting out this part of my life, that I have probably been a horrible friend. 

And maybe as someone who demands so much, I should be more aware of the way I behave? And less quick to judge? This is new territory. Truthfully, I am struggling with it. I am, I am sorry to say, bewildered, and trying to find the right thing to do. 

I think I am a good daughter. And I hope I am a good mother. But friend, godmother, aunt - I am less sure that I have fulfilled my roles adequately in these areas. 

Life throws these things at you and you pay attention. It makes you sit up and take notice. And you act accordingly. So I am grateful for that. Not in a Pollyanna way, either. Isn't it important to lead a life that is observed. "An unexamined life is not worth living." - Socrates (as noted by Plato).

In the train yesterday, on a particularly grey and wet journey to London, I was contemplating in my head, as you do, the nature of friendship and what is expected. I would like to be the type of friend who is always there with the warm phone call at 9am and the cup of tea, but I think I am more the person that deals well with emergencies. I am a great fixer. I have to work on the more constant, less dramatic skills. The train is a funny thing. You sit so close to another person that you can feel their arm moving against yours and yet you hardly ever exchange a glance. I am self conscious to talk on the phone on the train. People who do seem like prats to me. The people who call to say "I will be on the 5.26pm" - you hear them every day. Wouldn't it be easier to text? But then I wonder if I became to blasé in LA, too big picture. Maybe I forgot that it's the small things that are important. The kindness of a thoughtful phone call. I have lived too fast.

This has made me question everything. It has caused a crisis of character. Or is it a crise du coeur?  I think that's the word. But maybe that was necessary. I should be grateful for this. 

But carrying around this phrase in my head - **I have hurt my friend. I made her cry.** - that is very, very tough. It doesn't go away. 

I am very, very sorry. 

So, Universe, so Creative Energy, so Goodness & Kindness, so Higher Beings, so God, I am asking for forgiveness. And I am asking that I learn from this. Thank you. 


LPC said...


I sincerely hope you and your friend work it out. I am not sure the big picture people can learn the small picture people ways, but, I do believe the big picture people can learn how to keep their own ways from causing hurt. I admire you for saying so out loud.

tedsmum said...

We are human, we err. Your explanation is so helpful for idiots like me who upset people all the time, you deserve forgiveness just for that. We are all egocentric and character is hard to change so good luck with that. Hopefully your friends know that your strengths outweigh your weaknesses and are generous in their understanding.Anyway, sending you love and thanks for the words as always x

Susan said...

On the day when
The weight deadens
On your shoulders
And you stumble,
May the clay dance
To balance you.

And when your eyes
Freeze behind
The grey window
And the ghost of loss
Gets into you,
May a flock of colours,
Indigo, red, green
And azure blue,
Come to awaken in you
A meadow of delight.

When the canvas frays
In the currach of thought
And a stain of ocean
Blackens beneath you,
May there come across the waters
A path of yellow moonlight
To bring you safely home.

May the nourishment of the earth be yours,
May the clarity of light be yours,
May the fluency of the ocean be yours,
May the protection of the ancestors be yours.

And so may a slow
Wind work these words
Of love around you,
An invisible cloak
To mind your life.

Debo said...

Good morning Bumble from foggy Vancouver Island. I have been on both sides of this type of sadness and both are the worst. I hope your friend feels the power of your intention in your apology - I certainly do. And it has given me pause, for at 62 I am finally living a happy life, feeling more secure and more at ease and this change in circumstance has opened my heart and made me more ready and more willing to show up for family and friends. But I am sorely lacking some of the necessary skills and hope with my particular attention I can learn to forgive myself and get on with showing up! Big hug, Deborah xx

Z said...

I find it hard to understand why a kind person cannot accept a heartfelt apology for an omission rather than a direct and deliberate hurt. I hope things have been sorted out by now, but you've done your best to make amends and I hope you'll forgive yourself - accept your own apology.