Sunday, April 11, 2010

And the rain beats down

Family dinner here tonight.
I wore my father's shirt, with the french cuffs, pale blue and white stripes, the sleeves too long, the frayed collar, the tattered New & Lingwood label. Like the old blue cardigan of his I bring out on difficult days, it makes me happy and confident.
Have you ever felt that you live just outside your happy life? That all the things you do and say are part of you but not really you? That there is another world you should be part of, just outside of your reach?
I read this beautiful post by my friend MrsL and it struck a chord.
You drive down the freeway with a handful of strawberries in a paper towel, breakfast on the run, and you think, the taste of almost on the verge of rotting strawberries is the sweetest and reminds me of my grandfather in Norway and the life he lived.
The rain is thundering down on the roof, an unusual rain for April in LA and I'm in bed in my father's shirt and I wonder, what is stopping me. Truly, what is stopping me today?
I'm tired and happy and only too aware that if life were to end right now I would be known for something that isn't what I truly am, but that truth is just a simple side step to the left, a step, it seems, that is too scary to take. Or not.
Tomorrow is a new day.
I vow to wake up happy with my ambition screwed to the sticking point.
There is, after all, absolutely nothing to lose.
And the rain beats down.

1 comment:

Mrs L. said...

As I read your post tonite I was struck by so many thoughts but the most dominant was the following - its something an old friend once said to me and I think of it periodically when I read something like this. He said, "You never know how much room you take up in someone's life." I think about that now as I read your post and think about how much more you are than you can see - how much more you mean to those around you than you will ever acknowledge. Its true for you - its true for a lot of us. And as much as it is a universal notion, it is particular poignant for women. So whether you wake up afraid to chase your dream or whether you wake up emboldened and empowered, remember this - you are not actually defined by one thing - by one accomplishment - by one moment. You, your life, all of our lives, are the sum total of all of our choices and all of the people and things we touch. A lot for a comment on a post but there you have it. xoxo