I'm not quite sure where this is going, but it feels as if my confidence has been eroded, and that it happened fairly quickly. I suppose you can view your life from two perspectives, one, it is what it appears to be, and two, that in fact, the whole thing is a lie, just a forced jolliness and way of looking at things. It seems that the narrative I chose -- the happy, lovely thing with dogs and blue skies and love and jolly stuff -- has great, gaping holes in it, and I'm not the kind person I thought I might be. This has been pointed out to me in many ways, and most of them by people I don't care about, so that is somehow easier to handle. There was the man that grabbed me at the Academy as I was walking through a doorway and pulled me so hard by my arm that it left a bruise. Then on Friday a studio head screamed at me so hard that I had to hang up (and sobbed, uncharacteristically for a good twenty minutes). I'd done nothing wrong and he apologized afterwards, but it wasn't fun. And then the man I thought I loved and who I thought loved me re-emerged from a war zone and has not called, leaving me to question the whole thing. I'm told by a friend in tv news that this happens when men go into war zones, and they witness things that no-one else has seen, and the combination of testosterone and adrenaline turn them into assholes, briefly. But the picture he has painted of me (in emails), of a needy, selfish, thoughtless person who is only interested in herself, who has no understanding or compassion outside of self-interest, is a very hard one to accept and really quite disturbing, shaking really. It sort of shakes your foundations when your foundations are feeling rocky anyway. I mean, if that were true, if there was truth in that, then what point is there to any of this? I find myself virtually paralyzed today, unable to move even out of the house, hardly able to leave my bed. But I have tea now, and I have been on a short walk with the dogs, and I thought that writing it might help.
I am lost today. I have spent a year in love with someone who for whatever reason feels that I am someone I don't recognize. And I've spent a year with someone who goes away and doesn't feel the need to speak to me when he gets back. And I have to tell you, that doesn't feel very good. It actually undermines everything.
I know this is temporary. I know that I shall rally. I know that I have friends, but I am feeling intensely alone at the moment.
And I only have myself to blame. I am a grown woman who has made my own decisions and chosen the direction of my life. I was with a man for 28 years who decided that we shouldn't be married any more. And I suppose he was right. But still, three years, still reeling from that, it feels almost impossible that I have made a wrong choice again.
Isn't all we want in the world as human beings to be loved, to be understood, to have two strong arms to hold us when we feel this way?
I am questioning everything. I hope it's Mercury. I hope it will go away. I hope that this horrible day will be over soon and that tomorrow will be brighter, happier, full of hope. I don't know what to do with this feeling.
Because, honestly, what would be the point of anything? I didn't know it was possible to feel this deflated.
I feel like a complete ninny.
I pull these quotes in the middle of night, they're like things to hold on to when I feel like I'm sinking. Here's the one from James Baldwin.
I think we all need something to hold on to, and I wish it were each other.
I've always had another, been part of a two that feels like a one, someone who had my back and made me feel loved and comforted, someone to turn to, and so this single malarkey isn't easy. I'm not sure where to turn or how. I am a little lost, to be honest.
Forgive me, please.