Sunday, October 26, 2014


I'm not quite sure where this is going, but it feels as if my confidence has been eroded, and that it happened fairly quickly. I suppose you can view your life from two perspectives, one, it is what it appears to be, and two, that in fact, the whole thing is a lie, just a forced jolliness and way of looking at things. It seems that the narrative I chose -- the happy, lovely thing with dogs and blue skies and love and jolly stuff -- has great, gaping holes in it, and I'm not the kind person I thought I might be. This has been pointed out to me in many ways, and most of them by people I don't care about, so that is somehow easier to handle. There was the man that grabbed me at the Academy as I was walking through a doorway and pulled me so hard by my arm that it left a bruise. Then on Friday a studio head screamed at me so hard that I had to hang up (and sobbed, uncharacteristically for a good twenty minutes). I'd done nothing wrong and he apologized afterwards, but it wasn't fun. And then the man I thought I loved and who I thought loved me re-emerged from a war zone and has not called, leaving me to question the whole thing. I'm told by a friend in tv news that this happens when men go into war zones, and they witness things that no-one else has seen, and the combination of testosterone and adrenaline turn them into assholes, briefly. But the picture he has painted of me (in emails), of a needy, selfish, thoughtless person who is only interested in herself, who has no understanding or compassion outside of self-interest, is a very hard one to accept and really quite disturbing, shaking really. It sort of shakes your foundations when your foundations are feeling rocky anyway. I mean, if that were true, if there was truth in that, then what point is there to any of this? I find myself virtually paralyzed today, unable to move even out of the house, hardly able to leave my bed. But I have tea now, and I have been on a short walk with the dogs, and I thought that writing it might help.
I am lost today. I have spent a year in love with someone who for whatever reason feels that I am someone I don't recognize. And I've spent a year with someone who goes away and doesn't feel the need to speak to me when he gets back. And I have to tell you, that doesn't feel very good. It actually undermines everything.
I know this is temporary. I know that I shall rally. I know that I have friends, but I am feeling intensely alone at the moment.
And I only have myself to blame. I am a grown woman who has made my own decisions and chosen the direction of my life. I was with a man for 28 years who decided that we shouldn't be married any more. And I suppose he was right. But still, three years, still reeling from that, it feels almost impossible that I have made a wrong choice again.
Isn't all we want in the world as human beings to be loved, to be understood, to have two strong arms to hold us when we feel this way?
I am questioning everything. I hope it's Mercury. I hope it will go away. I hope that this horrible day will be over soon and that tomorrow will be brighter, happier, full of hope. I don't know what to do with this feeling.
Because, honestly, what would be the point of anything? I didn't know it was possible to feel this deflated.
I feel like a complete ninny.

I pull these quotes in the middle of night, they're like things to hold on to when I feel like I'm sinking. Here's the one from James Baldwin.

I think we all need something to hold on to, and I wish it were each other.

I've always had another, been part of a two that feels like a one, someone who had my back and made me feel loved and comforted, someone to turn to, and so this single malarkey isn't easy. I'm not sure where to turn or how. I am a little lost, to be honest.

Forgive me, please.


Susan said...

Oh, dearest you in a very hard season, I absolutely feel your pain. It is neither fair nor just, given your full heart and bright spirit, to be tossed into these stormy seas with unrelenting winds and bad weather that you neither invited nor created. It is unspeakably hard to have spent years building, loving, weaving strength and story into a strong family only to find yourself sitting alone in a world of hurt, bewildered and alone in the literal nest of so much love and devotion. My heart goes out to you - we will survive.

LPC said...

It's so hard to understand where you really are in this relationship, from the outside. It's very through a glass darkly, so I hesitate to give counsel of any kind. All I can say is, you don't seem wholly self-focused to me. You seem quite warm and nice. Let's just assume I'm right, and go from there. <3

Z said...

I'm so sorry about your awful pain. I don't know what to say. I've felt intensely alone within a long marriage, my husband died a couple of months ago and I never want to feel the pain of life after love again. I'd rather be alone and care for myself. I hope that you can find yourself to be your best friend with the strongest arms, before you risk giving yourself to anyone else. Do love and trust yourself, if kindness is in your heart then that's the truth, not what someone who's trying to excuse his behaviour says.

anyresemblance said...

I've been reading your blog for some years now - before the marriage broke up and before this relationship began. I know our blogs are only a version of ourselves and I would be presumptuous to think I know you and your situation. The only observation I would make is that although you described the end of the marriage as shocking and saddening it never seemed to make you question the person who you are and want to be - funny, warm, kind, analytical, generous, clever - as much as this current relationship does. Something which, on balance, seems so full of doubt, and requires so much give on your part with far less in return seems unequal but more to the point, causes you a lot of pain. Single life is very rewarding. Not everything needs a significant other to make it more important. Give your love to those who deserve it and return it.

Anonymous said...

im afraid i tend to agree with what he and others say. im another u have not been kind to. you might have other 'nice' qualities at times but most do and its been an easy life for you and still is. you have been spoiled in life and only experiencing only a tiny bit of unpleasantness which sounds pathetic honestly. count your blessings and find else as he is obviously not working out. additionally perhaps yes you are not as nice as you pretend to be. i am witness. i wish you well though and not this unhappiness.

Anonymous said...

In spite of the fact that I have read your blog for some time now, I don't really know your situation. I hear your pain, and perhaps the only reason I would venture to comment is that some of it rings true with me.

Here are my only two thoughts. A 28-year relationship which continues today as a friendship can hardly be called a "wrong decision," even if there was that painful interlude where you had to redefine your ex's role in your life. So, one would not say that you are continually making wrong decisions about relationships. And second, re your new love, your instincts count for something. Why are you not valuing them more? I know you want to love someone, but several times, your own internal compass has said about this one, "Wait a minute!" (That is not to say dump him; it is only to say, "You are a smart, savvy woman. Remember that.")

I may not have commented before, but I have long enjoyed (and admired) your raw honesty. You have a rare connection to the brighter side of reality -- and there IS a bright side as well as a dark one -- that is valuable on so many levels, and I appreciate it. Thank you.

Katherine C. James said...

I agree with LPC that it is hard to understand where you are in this relationship from the outside. But you also seem warm and nice to me. I will assume I'm right, and go from there as well.

All I'd add is: trust your instincts, and search for positive mirrors. There are unhappy people who project their unhappiness onto others.

In the same day an unhappy person can define me as a terrible human being and a happy person can see me, love me as an excellent human being, and mirror that back to me. Both of those people will be certain they are right.

I used to spend time trying to convince the unhappy people to change their minds about things. Now I search inside myself for what I feel is right and true, and I search outside myself for loving mirrors.

Tomorrow, I'll post an e. e. cummings poem on this idea with my daily picture.

I hope you are feeling better.


Marla said...

I feel your pain, and empathize with what a rough and uncomfortable time this is for you. I know what it feels to be kicked when I'm down by those I trusted, and there is a difference between being constructive and being cruel. Katherine is right on target when she says two people can see you as completely different on the same day. That is why it is so important for us to be grounded in ourselves (and the spot you are in is the hardest time to do it).

No one is perfect, not one of us.

The comment that Anonymous left honestly makes my blood boil, because I had some "friends" who said basically the same thing to me when I had the rug pulled out from under my life. I can tell you those people are no longer in my life.

We're on the outside looking in, but the relationship does not seem like a good one. Too much agony and too much pain. I have been there and though I couldn't see the forest for the trees at the time, looking back, I know that the best thing for me would have been to walk when I saw that pattern form.

Katherine is also right in that you have to search inside yourself for what is right and true, and it is easier said than done, but so worth the effort.

Wishing you the best.

Anonymous said...

i know how hard it is you just have to be strong untill the next comes along, and he will notice you. u have much to turn to. the love of your friends, family, pets, home, hikes, work. some donothave all of that, then it is even harder. god bless you and be strong. hang on. its not you, its them.

(ps. u do have a V special x)

k said...

I had a lover once for whom I carried a torch so bright I was always singed. Trouble was he never seemed to "get me". So, I was relentless in my attempts to be understood, to be known until a very important loved one told me,"Darling, you are not hard to understand, to get.You are transparent. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You seldom filter your thoughts before you speak them. You are out there for this man to find, to discover, to treasure. That he hasn't is down to his own obtuseness, his myopia, his self-interest or lack of attention."

Never were truer words spoken. And I grieved, wailed like a banshee, but not for a lost love. Life and time are priceless and I had squandered mine on a man unfit for what I desired.

Now I expect great sex, interest, and ardor from early days. I expect to feel alive in the presence of a lover. I do not want to spend a single one of the precious days allotted to me on anyone who makes life, passion, intent such convoluted sadness.

For me, it has worked, but then I may be less of a domesticated creature than you dear Miss Whistle. I am hoping your next love matches your hearts desire, that he sees you, that his heart aligns with yours which is so lovely.

Anonymous said...

You seem to by relying on one person way too much for your happiness ...appreciate all those great people around you....your kids, your mother and friends....and of course those furry faithfuls....appreciate health, sunny days, ...have no expectation and appreciate what is offered....good advice from my dad I try to follow