Monday, September 02, 2013

Gone Baby Gone

"I haven't cried yet" I said to my friend D in yoga this morning. "But I suspect this will release it." And it did. As everyone else was clearing their karma and criss-crossing their arms in front of their face, working on their arclines, I was boo-hooing in the back of the class like a ninny, thinking "my little baby, my little baby."

Yep. She's gone. She's at college and all is well. The four suitcases arrived. There were trips to Bed, Bath & Beyond and Target and WalMart, and we listened to Joni Mitchell and the Beach Boys on the way there and remembered California. There are lovely roommates, a quad full of trees and red brick buildings, a entire army of smiling greeters in yellow t-shirts. I've bought the requisite Bates umbrella, the Bates reading glasses, the 2013-2014 Academic Calendar in navy blue. Mothers have given me their phone numbers and told me that Honor is welcome for a home-cooked meal as I live so far away. I held her in my arms as we said our goodbyes, her tears on my neck. I think of her sitting on the grass with her new roommate, laughing, or commenting on the choice woodsy-themed lamps at WalMart. Despite the litany of "I can't believe this is happening" there was a day when we were driving through the pine trees and the sunlight was dappled on the road and there were cows on each side of us and pretty cottages with the tallest sunflowers you've ever seen, and she said "I think I'm going to be okay here." And that's what I hold onto.

Minky & Jill, Bates College Quad, bbq lunch


Marcheline said...

I don't have kids, but I remember leaving my mom when I went to college. There's something so awfully sad about it - not because you'll never see each other again, but because it's "the end of an era". Still makes me get weepy if I think about it.

Kate said...

It's grief and you do work through it, but it hurts. My daughter's twenty now, but when she left .... for all of the right reasons and she was so ready for the next step .... I was so sad. It's bitter sweet. She's currently travelling overseas and a part of me is always, always with her. Thank goodness our hearts can expand and it is amazing how we can grow and move on in different directions.

Wally B said...

At moments like these, I can't stop thinking about the song, "Turn around."
"Turn around and she's two, turn around and she's four, turn around and she's a young girl walking out of the door."