Monday, June 30, 2014

Go 4th 🇺🇸

Childlike as it is, I'd been looking forward to the 4th -- not just for the fireworks and the hot dogs and the red, white and blue -- but because the lovely man was coming to stay and it would have been the first time we have seen each other since March. I was quite honestly giddy about it. The English aren't supposed to get too excited about anything, but I was hopping from foot to foot with a Cheshire Cat grin on my face.

As relationships go, it's been awfully hard. Stopping and starting and complicated not only by time and space and distance but by Mercury and emotions and all kinds of unknown forces. We know each other better by phone and email than in person. Everything is upside down. Somehow it felt worth getting invested. He is a special man. Kind and bright and childlike and inquisitive. Brilliant. A dog lover. And he makes me laugh.

The 4th is just around the corner and plans had been made, new bikinis ordered, we've spring cleaned the house, organized dinner parties and beach trips and hikes, got tickets for the Hollywood Bowl. I've hardly slept, like a child before her birthday.

I found out yesterday he is not coming. Something to do with work. (But it could have as easily been "the dog ate my homework".)

And there goes the LDR. Obviously you can't be someone's girlfriend if you can't see each other. It just doesn't work that way.

I am trying to be resolute, circumspect, thoughtful. My ex says "you are lovely; this isn't about you." I am trying to be mad not sad. But here's the truth: I feel like someone cancelled Christmas. It feels horrible, actually. I am really quite miserable about it.

So. I am going to take up running. I really don't know what else to do to assuage the pain.

Yes. There are other fish in the sea. I am just not a very adept fisherman.

And note to self: don't date someone unreliable again, charming and sweet and wonderful as they may be. It only leads to heartache.


Marcheline said...

Sorry to hear you're sad. I think maybe that's one of the reasons I've always worked jobs where I don't get weekends or holidays off... no expectations, no disappointments. A holiday is just another 24 hours to me. But it's not so easy to insulate yourself from heartache. Don't forget to stretch before you run.

Anonymous said...

Oh sweetheart
I am disappointed for you.

Lick those wounds and move on.

Marie x

LPC said...

Very, very sorry. I think love with the unreliable and charming is hardest of all for the reliable among us. xoxox.

Janelle said...

Oh buggar....! Sorry to hear this....just caught up on your recent posts....tsk....what a silly man!? His bloody loss, though, clearly. ...still. These platitudes never help. Your blog has mirrored my life these past few years...marriage gone BOEM blah bleh....some days i find it hard to get out of bed but one does. One remembers to be thankful for the countless blessings of wild flowers, dogs, horses' friends and darling children....and the world spins madly on....and thank god for Neruda, indeed. Bless you Miss Whistle. X from tanzania janelle.

Anonymous said...

Oh the Bastard. But this is one of those terribly hard situations where you look back on it with relief. He CANNOT love you properly. You CANNOT force the situation. You CANNOT change who he came to you as no matter how special you are. It is indeed his loss and I'm sure he knows it.

You have loved and you will love and be loved again. Happy 4th. x

sianey said...

Oh B :((
always thought this song said it perfectly.
head up my love
sending massive hugs + doggy kisses from London,
sianey + doraxxx