Let me explain. I have had for the last six months or so a weird little anxiety-provoking feeling. It's a visceral feeling that something is wrong but you just can't quite put your finger on it. I realized that my whole life was put on hold for love and yet, having grown up with a father who was rather distant and being used to difficult, scatter-brained men, I chalked it up to old issues, childhood things. And of course I fell back into my old habit of trying to make everything feel right and ignoring the bad stuff.
I was so convincing myself that love was the answer, that I ignored the aching, dry-mouthed sensation I felt almost every day. (And to be honest, I'm a pretty practical, problem-solving, get on with it, person, a little sensitive perhaps, but I'm not completely neurotic.) All I knew is that I thought it would get better and the feeling would go away.
But when you live for a really long time with a tiny tinge of feeling that something is not quite right, and then someone reveals to you, plainly, without any room for interpretation, who they are, everything falls into place. Everything makes sense. You have that bolt of lightning moment like God is whacking you upside the head and saying "wake up!" And then, with the greatness of sadness, the picture became full. And, without going into too much detail, the relief flooded through my body.
I don't hold with the theory that all men are bastards. Certainly my ex-husband isn't a bastard. He's a kind, good man who in retrospect did me a favor by leaving. My life is full and good. I feel stronger, happier, more alive than I have ever felt. But I think I've lived such a sheltered life, free from dating, and in one relationship for so long, that I hadn't realized that too good to be true could actually mean that. I didn't realize that charming, adorable & cold as ice could together describe one person.
I suppose my reason for even writing this is to show that a) I've been a complete moron b) it's important to keep wits about you even when you're blissfully blinded by love & c) trust your instincts. If something doesn't feel right, it's not right, and nothing will EVER change that.
The biggest lesson I've learned, and if I were to give advice to my 19 year old daughter today about men and love, it would be this:
And the by the way, I don't believe anyone is bad. I believe we all do the best we can. I wish him well. I really do. I'd also like to punch him in the face.
Happy Saturday, everyone. xoxo