Sunday, August 02, 2015

This shouldn't hurt so much

This shouldn't get to me. I'm hearing my therapist's voice in my head. We need to get you to a place where these things don't bother you, aren't important. You're in a beautiful place, your favorite place on earth. You spent yesterday in a boat out on the sea, saline splashing your face, grinning, with people you love. You cooked Lebanese food last night. You're loved. And yet, yesterday I got an email from my ex-boyfriend. It's been at least five months since I've heard a word, a squeak. He tells me, I didn't block you because I wanted to think you were dead. I didn't block you to hurt you, even though you think I did. I hope we can laugh about this. And then, I check on Twitter, as you do, and guess what? "You are blocked from following XXX and viewing XXX's tweets." What's that about, my friends?

Back from the boat tour, wind in my hair, a skip in my step, excited to cook, the whole of the bay filled with dark blue waves, Norwegian flags waving, sparkling eyes, and there it is, an email from him. And immediately the breath gets stuck in my throat, my heart starts to pound, I feel the anxiety creeping up my legs. I reply breezily. "All is well. Take care."  Even now, writing about it, I feel the adrenaline, the tears behind my eyes. I loved you, I think. You were lucky. I don't give it away lightly. Why are you trying to hurt me? Why can't you be kind? Are you really that damaged? Why are you trying to hurt me? 

You can do anything to me, I told him once. I am resilient. I bounce back. Just love me and I will do anything for you. But please, whatever you do, don't put me in coventry. I can't tell you why without sounding mawkish and wet and miserable, but don't do that, don't ignore me. It hurts me more than anything. It makes my heart jump into my throat, totally shuts me down, derails me. Do anything but that.

And he did that. Yes, that is who I loved. Someone who did that.

It's my last day here and I'm doing all the things I want to jam into the next year -- eating cardamom bolle with goat's cheese and painting watercolors of the view and listening to my favorite playlists, dealing rounds of patience, pulled out some smoked trout for lunch. I shall walk around the mountain, or further, with my favorite cousin and his clever, singing dog, and pick blueberries, and swim in the cold blue sea. And I will exorcise this. It will go away. But I had to share it. Forgive me. Forgive me.

13 comments:

Marla said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
LPC said...

Ah, now I believe him to be an evil man, not just a relationship that didn't work out.

Marla said...

I deleted my first comment because it was too much. LPC said it better. She is right.

Block him from emailing you again and doing this to you. Stop checking his Twitter, FB, Instagram, everything. It's the old touching the stove thing - if it hurts, don't do it.

I have been there.

Imogene B said...

I didn't know whether to comment – I felt it would be presumptuous; after all, I barely know you. But reading those lines made my heart sink. It still feels heavy. I hope you don't think I am being patronising when I say you were lucky to get away. This is sociopathic manipulation of the highest order. Bloody good riddance.

Unknown said...

Dear girl ...please block him ..I hear your pain

Please block him xxxxxxxx

Heather Robinson said...

Sorry but he is a motherfucker - no matter who he was then, this is who he is to you now. Please consider listening to these wise ladies and block him, then take that last dip in the sea...

Rowan said...

Dear Miss W,
For very intelligent people, we are sometimes silly in the name of lurve. Curiosity piqued, we can't resist opening that email or reading that text and the heart starts to race.
Not fair what he is doing to you, playing with you! Despite the temptation, I agree with your other wise counsel. Block. Him. When it has the ability to hurt so much and he is clearly not going to do an about face and start all over, you have to protect yourself.

Love should be about all the good stuff and making your heart sing. He should be counting himself lucky to have won you. Instead he has treated you badly and hurt you. He doesn't deserve you. There are other intelligent, engaging, intriguing, sexy men out there..Surely?

Look after yourself!
Cheers,
Deborah - Melbourne, Australia.

Marla said...

Impgene hit the nail on the head - it is sociopathic manipulation. I know from experience that the only way to save yourself from this is to go no contact in every way. You were feeling pure joy until you read that email…and then…gone. When you eliminate all means of contact, your joy stays intact and it gives you space and time to heal, to get yourself where your therapist wants you. xo

Bozena Wojtaszek said...

It seems that some devil's advocacy is needed here. Well, I can't stand saying in public about an unknown person that he is sociopath.
Why nobody thought that he is involved in another relationship, he tweets about it and doesn't want to hurt you?
You write here about your feelings quite openly and you don't bother how does it feel to him (well, you said he doesn't read it but how about his friends?). Personally I would be devastated if some of my ex would write so much about our relationship.

And what if he needs some privacy from you?

Despite his email explanation that he DIDN't want to hurt you, you make us to think how bad he is.

Love isn't for sissies, most of us knows it very well. I'm very sorry for you and (as a reader of your blog) I'm with you. It is just not so obvious for me that the men you loved so badly has to be considered as a jerk.

Miss Whistle said...

Bozena, you are absolutely right. I am not by nature a vindictive person and I hope this doesn't come across that way. The problem with blogs is that they are one-sided. They are representing only one person's point of view, and I think I felt particularly raw when I wrote that. It's only because it was out of the blue, I think, that I was so surprised. I am not suggesting that this person is a sociopath. All I am saying is that I am very, very sad that so much damage has created this situation. I believe in my heart that you always love those that you loved. Thank you for playing the devil's advocate and for the levity. xo MsW

Miss Whistle said...

Dear Marla, I read your first comment and took it in, even though you later deleted it. Thank you. It seems awfully unfair, doesn't it, to have to put these things out into blogland in order to feel vindicated, somehow. I hope it doesn't come across that way. I am a happy, well-adjusted woman and I'm afraid, it was the nature of this communication, coming as it did out of the blue, that unsettled me. I so appreciate your empathy. xo MsW

Miss Whistle said...

LPC, you are always sane and kind, and your words are reassuring. I'm not sure about evil, however. More likely here is I got to him in such a profound way, that he has to use desperate messages to rid himself of me. It's all fine. I have moved on. I am going to waste another moment on this man. Love to you. xoxo

Marcheline said...

I'm with Bozena. He's moved on and wants his privacy, and not to be needling you with every new thing he does. Checking his online accounts is just picking at a scab, it's not healthy, and not doing you any good either way. Yes, it sucks. Yes, it hurts. Acknowledge, and move on. Who knows what wonderful things you may be missing in front of you while your head is turned looking back over your shoulder?