Monday, September 21, 2015

And then something happened

Not sure really what this is. To go from being alive and connected and buoyantly happy and feeling as if life is getting immensely better on every front. To glimpse real connection away from the isolation of alone-ness, to feel one's heart swelling (and all the things that goes with it, creativity, hard work, results, a feeling of belonging in the universe) and then something happens. Just a small thing, a misunderstanding, a hiccup, not much at all, but all of a sudden everything changes. Ephemera. And I am back inside the cocoon.

It's very hard to be vulnerable. I am terrible at it. But for a moment there I was. 

I suppose you lick your wounds and you move on. Right?

Matters of the human heart are not for the frail. 

Determined to be brave and strong and resilient from now on. 

(It doesn't help that it's about 80 degrees outside at 2.30am). 

It's that simple. Everything got much, much better. And then something happened. 


LPC said...

I am sorry. I suspect it'll change back. But when we are on our own, we are without ballast, buffer, and things that happen make waves.


Heather Robinson said...

Beautifully said LPC. I would just add that I am not entirely sure that one needs to be brave and strong and resilient...all the time. But even just in writing those three words, throwing them out like a lasso to the universe hoping they will catch on something, shows that you have them in your heart right now.
Sending a hug from the other side of the world in France...

Miss Whistle said...

@LPC you have a witch-like quality of always understanding. So right and kind. Thank you. xo
@Heather thank you! Hugs back to you in France. Brave, strong, resilient, lasso, universe. Love this.

Thank you, dear ones,

Much love,

Ms W xo

Highstreet said...

As is life -a series of ups and downs. We cannot expect to stay down or up forever and must not judge ourselves or put too much weight on the ebb and flow, especially when life has dealt us some soul shaking situations such as divorce and betrayal. You are, after all, human. X

Unknown said...

I'm sorry you have been caught in this net, floundering and scared. It will let you go soon. It's just feelings. If you were made of a tougher hide, you mightn't feel it so much, but then you wouldn't be you and you wouldn't write so achingly! There must be a book inside, waiting to come out!
Deborah - Melbourne, Australia

Katherine C. James said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Katherine C. James said...

Love to you Bumble. You have been on my mind a lot lately. My lovely therapist, from whom I'm attempting to set sail farther and farther away all on my own, reminds me when something moves me from a place of optimism and hope to a place of despair, to remember to live in the present moment, and the next one, and the next one, and remember also that life washes over us in waves. All you have to do is breathe in and breathe back out. Do *anything* that comforts you. Ask for help, a hug, a reassuring word. Say, "I feel absolutely crazy right now because I was doing so well, and now I can't really remember why or what that felt like, the world has turned so grey and bleak." That's what you did when you wrote this blog post, and I admire you for doing that. Initially, I'd see this latest wonderful therapist twice a week, beginning in 2010, when I was trying to get divorced after much too long in limbo. So many things were wrong in my life, and I'd managed through very bad luck and trust of the untrustworthy over years of time to get myself marooned without either affiliation or mastery to buoy me up. Divorce and betrayal are indeed soul-shaking. Now I'm divorced. I have a lot of challenges ahead. I see my therapist once every two weeks now instead of twice in one week, and during the low, low, low spots I want to grab her ankle and beg her to let me stay with her all. of. the. time. But, I can't afford to do that, and that is probably the good news. When I feel worst, what feels best is checking in with someone who loves me who will say, "Look: This and this and this happened, and now you naturally feel bad." If no one is available, I say it to myself in my own head. I am getting better and better at remembering I have felt this way before and I will feel good again. My therapist also says, when you feel the very worst, go back to the most basic, basic, basics: Eat good food. Eat something you love especially. A bowl of raspberries with honey and the best yogurt ever? An avocado on toast? A cup of the best tea in the best cup? Whatever your thing is. Try to rest. If you can't sleep, try to accept that, or say "What the hell" and take a couple of Benadryl. Take a bath. Get a massage. Love yourself. My two most important behaviors are, one, making life into teensy pieces that are so small I know I can do that one, and then the next one, and then the next one, and then the next, and, two, remembering I will not always feel this way when I am at my lowest. I hope you feel better soon. I'm thinking of you. xo.

Sue said...

I doubt I can add much of value to what Katherine in particular and others have said. But I'll try. First, I'm sorry for any pain you're feeling. Katherine's advice to live from moment to moment is sound. When I find myself feeling caught up in something that makes me anxious (usually work related, sometimes personal life), if I can pause long enough and remind myself of that old standby "be here now", it helps. I think it's so hard some days in a world where we're constantly told to "be happy". But happiness is fleeting. Joy is different. Joy is less affected by circumstance. Perhaps that's why the "live in the moment" advice is so sound. When you do that, you appreciate each little thing; the avocado on toast, cup of tea, sweet look your dog gives you, etc. If I could, I'd reach out make you a cup of tea myself. I'd put it in one of the beautiful English tea cups we keep on a shelf mainly just to look at (my daughter also uses some to put jewelry in, which I love). I'd pass you the cup and saucer, tuck you in with a blanket and let you enjoy the moment. Be well. Xo