Thursday, May 15, 2014

The heat takes its toll

I am lonely.

As with everything in my life, it's taken me a few months, nearly a year to realize how much I miss my daughter who is in Maine, and my son who is in Brooklyn. I have many great girlfriends and a family who couldn't be more supportive, but up here in the canyon, on these sweltering hot days, even punctuated with lunches and meetings and emails and busy work, I am lonely.

I've been told that my private life is shared too generously here and I'm feeling self-conscious about writing about it. But when I don't write, it hurts. When I do write, it's cathartic. I hope, dear reader, you will cut me some slack.

This week has been horrible. I am not patient, nor am I trusting, and I've spent the week thus far struggling to get along. In yoga this morning, usually the thing that saves me -- I just need to show up -- I had to concentrate very hard in order to get into it and not think about what is on my mind. I found myself fighting back tears in the cat/cow (not ideal, let me tell you).

I arrived at a lunch with a dear friend half an hour late because I was distracted. I was almost in tears when I got there. And somehow, miraculously, he cheered me up, firmed my resolve, made me realize that I had a lot of my life ahead of me and I could make decisions that weren't just based in LA and my life now.  He said, this dear, bearded man, who is struggling with his own much much bigger problems, "follow your heart." He is open and kind and authentic and unguarded. It's hard to express how his openness and loving personality affects one. It emboldened me. It made me realize there were possibilities.

This heat is endless. You can't escape it. The ground is dry and brown and brittle and the birds sing in a lack-lustre monotone. The dogs want to go out but don't have the same energy. I take them early, in the morning, around seven or earlier, and there is still a promise of green, some moisture left over from the night, but very little. But somehow the mornings are regenerative, fresh still, the air is new.

I have made a mistake that may be the biggest fuck-up I've ever made. And I've made it because I'm an idiot, because I'm scared, because I'm anxious. I went from being the happiest I've ever been to the most miserable and there seems to be little recourse.

I am lonely. I'm not used to this solitude. I want a house full of people. I want England and green and fields and bluebells and forests and cows and Sunday lunch. And my mother, my brother, my sister, my best friend, my boy (if he will have me). I want my dogs to run in woods. I want to have rain and frizzy hair and curlywurlys and mouldy old churches, and a place where God exists without apology. I want where my bones feel part of the architecture. I don't want to live in this hot, dry city, wearing this corset of propriety.  I don't want to fake it till I make it. I want to go where the grass is green by default and you can walk in the dew in the morning at four or five and the sun is up. I'm begging for a simple life, a life where I can follow my heart.

I want to stop saying "I". I want to say "we" or "you." I crave rebirth, being bathed in cool saltwater. I miss the Oslo fjord, the sound of the seabirds over the house and on the roof, picnics at sea, walking in wildflowers. I want to look after someone again, make suppers every night, stoke fires, doing the washing up in suddy bubbles while singing loudly and hold hands while walking through trees, unadorned. I want to eat smoked fish and horseradish and smell the chalk of the Chiltern Hills where the badgers have dug it up. I want city foxes and country foxes and no more howling, sad, thin coyotes.

I swear to God, that if I wasn't a feminist and if I didn't know better, I'd say I needed saving.


I do so apologize for being such a melodramatic downer. I know tomorrow will be better.

22 comments:

david said...

May I offer a comment with humility? May I suggest that a spiritual director might be a helpful companion in your journey? You are in my prayers. Your blog has brought me joy and delight. Thank you.

Unknown said...

Again follow your heart

Moonboots said...

Your writing in this piece is amazing. It makes me feel. It is so hard making decisions sometimes isn't it. The big ones. I have read you blog for a couple of years now and it seems like something is coming or needs to come. I hope you find your peace and your new home, soon. England is lovely but wet and windy. Hot and dry sounds like a good thing on this cool spring morning in England.

Anonymous said...

Not to steal the thunder of your beautifully expressed piece, but I am you. I am lonely, I would love saving, I have made mistakes, I want to correct them and be where I want to be with whom I want to be. I want it. Can I have it? It might be hard. It might take a few adjustment and some money I don't have, it might mean change (yikes!) but I might have to do it. Remember, though, it's not location. You are where you go. Fix the inside job first, know what will make you happy, NYC or London? and then with your strength do what you need to. You only live once.

Lou said...

Oh the heartache in this piece; I feel for you, I really do. I too have read along and witnessed the soaring happiness underpinned with a stubborn but mostly hidden sadness that you have now identified: it's loneliness. Such a potent thing and one that you can't ignore. I don't know what the answer is. To write makes it hurt less - never a truer sentiment. Isn't this all just part of the process - of mourning the past and trying to work out what the future should be? I do hope you find peace and the answers. And when you do - can you pass them on? I am all ears ;-) Lou x

shootingfifty said...

Gosh, what wonderful, brave, heartfelt writing; there's an attack of homesickness too I'm sensing. You mention bluebells and the Chiltern Hills, so perhaps this link to my flickr photo will help to lift your spirits a tad... https://www.flickr.com/photos/shootingfifty/14085319542/

It's Dockey Wood, in Ashridge, Hertfordshire, taken 30th April - the bluebells came early this year.

Jenna said...

I think you're incredibly brave and full of grace. It takes courage each day to wake up, make something of it, and to just fight through. As for those who don't think you should write it out here, they aren't writers and couldn't possibly understand why it's exactly what you need right now. I think fear also keeps people from accepting how others choose to navigate and express their truth. For what it's worth, your small snippets of daily life on Instagram and more internal explorations here on your blog add something special to even my life! Not to sound trite or simplistic, but it sounds like really deserve a vacation or to get away from things for a bit. Yes, some will say it "won't change anything" but it can put you in a different spirit and head space. Thinking of you today—stay strong and take care of yourself!

Anonymous said...

some say to follow your heart can be misleading as one could say "but how true is your heart being to you?" Ones heart can not always be true.

You know tomorrow will be a better day was a great last sentence. You know bad days will always happen and all is not happening over night. I know how loneliness feels but at least you are managing it well as others do not. So give yourself credit and keep on keeping on. That person will be there and England, well for now it is always there for you when you shut your eyes and imagine, for now. It is not going to go anywhere. You probably have heatstroke!!!

Anonymous said...

wow. what a spoiled terrible brat you are! you have a life that 99% of the world will never see, yet all you do is bitch and moan. you deserve to be alone because you do not value anything.

Z said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Z said...

I read the blogs I read because I like the writer, not to look for an opportunity to make mean comments. Anonymous 3* sounds like a very bitter person.

I hope that writing down your feelings will clear a path for you, maybe helping you to see a way to improve your situation. Many of us are unhappy, deep down, but we usually pretend the real problem isn't there.

*Whoops, can't count. Sorry, Anon 2

Anonymous said...

Its best to compare oneself to others better than you (in one way or another) as comparing oneself to others less blessed in life enables a person to never ever have a reason to complain for anything. Hence the bar being set rather low hence being an underachiever. Further, tough love ought to be placed suitably, sensitively and appropriately. Being so honest and open takes much courage. I am sure if annon 2 spent some (home) time with perhaps a most revered person annon 2 would hear a few moans at times as it is also not against the law and can be cathartic, a means to an end, encouragement for others and above all else a harmless approach which others might in fact envy since not being capable. Tough love is a proven source at times applied well. I think annon 2 is a little out of touch. Wiss whistle is aware of her good fortune and should not have unhappy days simply because her days are in majority better than others obtained innocently and lawfully, which some might envy!

LPC said...

What happened, dear one?

Violet Crumble said...

A cottage near Coombe Hill(home of the bluebell) and an interesting job with London connections (both personal and business) sounds perfect. But it's a long way from Maine and Brooklyn and the doggies. I understand how you feel.

Janelle said...

mz whistle! you're gloriously human and echo so many of my sentiments, reflecting the rigors of adulthood and love...your writing is beautiful. yes. tomorrow is another day..."wind up the clock and hold onto your hat". hang in there and keep writing! x janelle

Miss Whistle said...

Thank you so much for all these comments. It was actually my mother who said "isn't it lovely that you have all these supportive people in your life." It's true. And guess what? Today is a new day and all is well. Thank you so much, dear readers. I'm truly blessed.

Miss Whistle said...

@david I think you're right and that is why I so enjoy my kundalini yoga. It's a lot of meditation and I find it incredibly helpful.

Miss Whistle said...

@Unknown I think you're Fred and yes! X

@Moonboots I think we always want what we don't have and something inside me aches for the cold and damp of England. The weather is now clement in LA, not outrageously hot, and it eases the yearning! X

@Anonymous1 Thank you. I suppose loneliness is a universal trait and maybe one we're a little ashamed of so we don't always talk about it. It felt better to express it, especially when so many other people can relate. X

@Lou Thank you. I know you understand and yes writing it down makes it feel much, much better. X

@shootingfifty I LOVE your pictures. Why are bluebells such a tonic? Just gorgeous. Thank you, thank you.

Miss Whistle said...

@Jenna Thank you. I'm really happy that my Instagram cheers you. I think it was the lovely Lisa Bonchek Adams who said, "find some beauty each day. sometimes it's hard. persevere." and that's what i try to do. i do feel very fortunate living in such a beautiful canyon. x

@anonymous2 yes, one's heart isn't always true, isn't that so? but I do so appreciate your support and kind words.

@anonymous3 I am glad that you can express yourself here. For the record, I don't usually complain. I am most grateful for what I have and I try to express that. It must have been a weak moment.

@Z Thank you :-) XX

@LPC you are way too wise for this world dearest one! I must make my way to find you. You are wonderful xoxo

@Violet Crumble Yes! Coombe Hill! oh the bliss! xox

@janelle thank you sweet thing xox

Love,

MissWhistle

Anonymous said...

That garden you seek ? It's already inside of you, it is a matter of letting go of everything that's keeping you from that quiet peace that is within us all. It's there and it will be like opening your eyes for the first time, as it goes through your bones, and finally settles deep within you. It's there, don't stop searching !!

Jaclyn said...

Oh B, just beautifully said. You express the "inner life" better than just about anyone I've read. I yearn to be just half the writer you are. You have a well of talents and I have to believe that joy lies therein. The trick is identifying it amid all the other distracting BS. I'm right there with you in the search. xx, J.

Heather Robinson said...

I think the loneliness of which you speak so eloquently is, like other forms of depression, something that can only be understood by someone who has experienced it. It is certainly not a question of not appreciating all that one has in their life but rather an inner ache. I have been right there with you since the beginning of this year. I love my Honey, we have an interesting albeit challenging life in France but I do not have any friends here (I have come to accept that - to make a giant generalization - that French women and I were not made for each other) and my family is far. For me - I don't think that it is the same for you - part of my loneliness is just in a lack of being understood, in being "home." So, I am very grateful that my Mom and her fiancée plus my Sister have pulled together to help pay for a plane ticket for a visit. I will go next week. I know that my heart will feel reassured and I hope to come back remembering how I am loved by them.
I am sending Strength and just plain old Good Energy you way...