Monday, March 12, 2018

I have a brown dog

Don't kid yourself. The black dog comes out of nowhere and always bites you in the arse. There is absolutely no reason for me to be feeling this way, but I have been unable to move today. Finally, at five o'clock I force myself out into the rain with the dogs and stumbled through the woods, only seeing damp, cold, mud and rain. None of the beauty. None of the way the green moss shimmers in the rain, or the way only half the tree trunks are wet, or the way the birds sing despite the rain.

And so I tell my insta-story.

I wish one's mental health wasn't a prisoner to the weather.
I wish I could tell you that muddy puddles and rain are inspiring.
Honestly they aren't.
I don't like it when the world shrinks. It should be expansive and filled with possibility.
Not sure how to fix it, so we walk.
(Even now I feel I shouldn't mention it; it feels selfish, self-indulgent; I am ashamed of it.)
What kind of story is this anyway?
This dog is brown. (Not black: this is the story I tell myself.)
They tell you to ask for help, but I'm not sure I know what help looks like.


tedsmum said...

I know. But a magical thing happened just yesterday, remember? And it will again, maybe tomorrow or the day after. I often read your blog to remind me of this but today it's my turn to remind you.Sleep well xxx

LPC said...

If I had your mail address I swear I'd go out and gather post blue sage and coyote mint from my side yard and send it to you. But, FWIW, it's pouring rain here right now and due to keep on until maybe Friday.

As soon as the sun comes out I will send you some. It's hard to be in rain in a village. In cities I think it's much easier.

Katherine C. James said...

Not selfish, self-indulgent, or shameful. Real, human, recognizable. It’s brave to risk and share. Sending love. Katherine.

Debo said...

Good morning Bumble from Vancouver Island. "We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through." I hope the brown dog leaves your yard soon, and it will. Until then, perhaps large quantities of listening to the Desert Island Discs podcast - oh what a marvel are human beings - all shapes and sizes and so many of us are lovers of music. I listened to Kirsti with Matt Smith today; such a lovely, lovely interviewee.(His favourite poet is Ted Hughes - he loves poetry!) Deborah xx

Miss Whistle said...

Dear @tedsmum, you are so constant a friend, so kind and sweet, and I thank you for this reminder. Somehow, the speaking of it helps it. I hope that I can help you too, and thank you, so, so much, for helping me. xo

Dear @LPC, I'm sending you my mailing address! I live in a remote place by choice. I don't reach out by choice. And it's a faulty choice. Please come stay in the summer! xo

Dear @katherine, oh you are just lovely. Please know how much I appreciate you. Much love.

Dear @debo in Vancouver Island, what a beautiful place you live in! I shall listen to Matt Smith immediately. How wonderful. And waht a lovely reminder. xoxo

I am so gratefult to everyone who has reached out. It's very hard to explain what it feels like to know that you have people rooting for you, loving you, supporting you. It's odd and wonderful at the same time.

Thank you.

Miss W x